I had one of those days again. One of those days where I just want to give it all up. And I do mean all. And yes, there was a little bit of dancing around thoughts of (sorry mom, son and everyone else) suicide. Let me just say right now that I am not suicidal. But I did feel like giving up. When the alternative to giving up the life that I’m living now seems to only be going back to the nine-to-five or ending it all, let’s just say that the nine-to-fiver option, didn’t win.
But I’m still here, writing this so there you have it. I haven’t given up. I’m (sometimes unfortunately) not a quitter. I will press on because that is what I do. But I would be lying if I said that, on occasion, the idea of pressing on in this manner was not totally exhausting and seemingly hopeless at times.
We got thirty days notice to vacate the house we’re living in because the landlord wants to sell the house.
This bums me out because I really like it here, I like the people, our appreciation for chaos, and the extremely cheap rent. Living here is helping me pay off old debt while also allowing me to afford the improv and martial arts classes I will be taking soon. It’s giving me the time to work on my art and slowly but surely, turning it into a living. I can walk or bike to anything I need in twenty minutes or less. I have a ton of freedom here. No one expects anything of me except to pay rent on time and to not be an asshole. I can do pretty much whatever I want at any time of day and no one cares.
House rules and rent
Our functional lawn ornament
Naturally I think on the idea that I have nowhere to go (at the moment) that is even remotely close to this situation. I wont be homeless (unless I want to be), the dog and I have been offered many a floor and sofas to temporarily crash on if need be. It’s not that. It’s the fact that it seems as though the likely hood of me finding another shed to live in, with people I like, minimal expectations and dirt cheap rent, is slim to none.
This all had me on the runaway brain train. I began to question my entire existence. Annnnnd it’s over.
I slam myself with all the greats: “What are you doing with your life?”, “You have no idea what you’re doing Carrie”, “Who are you to think you can offer all of this?”, “What do you actually want with your life?”, “If this doesn’t work out, there is no other way except death or going back to a ‘normal’ life”, “There is no way you can afford to do even the smallest things if you had to pay more rent, the life you’ve worked so hard to create is over”, “No one would want you and Ladira to live in their shed” and so on and so forth.
Ya. All of this. In my head. All day. It was a shit day between my ears.
Throw on the fact that I’m single and there seems to be no potential anyones happening in my face right now, or all the time I’ve spent fixing this shed up just how I like it only to tear it down, or that I’m holding on to roughly fifteen pounds of stubborn body fat and I’m a blubbering mess, curled up in a ball on my bed for half the day.
On the bright side, I just got home from a small yet very successful tour with my friend Aaron J. Shay. I’ve learned a lot, made a bunch more connections and am considering planning a solo, house show tour soon, even though I don’t have a vehicle. I’m optimistic that it will work out some how.
That was the small ray of sunshine amongst all of the mud in my head.
Although I don’t know what’s in store for me in my immediate future, I am absolutely certain of only a few things:
- There is so much out there that I have no idea about. If I hold myself and the possibilities of my life to only the things that I can see and understand at this moment, then I am blocking my life off from pretty much everything.
- Everything has a way of working out for the best and usually it has a lot to do with things that I have no idea even exist.
- I have the power to make my life exactly what I want it to be and if I’m not working for that, it has no chance of happening.
That’s pretty much it.
So..I press on. I press on because even though I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment, I know it’s there somewhere. I press on because I believe that if I do, great things will continue to happen in my life. I press on because I believe that doing what I love will in fact, finance my life if I work for it and that one day, I wont have to worry about finding cheap enough housing to afford time for my passion.
I press on because it’s what I do.