Adventures In A Dichotomy of Feelings

Up until about thirty minutes ago, I think I was unaware that I could feel absolute joy and genuine heartache not only at this level of intensity but also simultaneously. And I think that up until recently, feeling on this level was not possible. I wouldn’t allow it.

Lately in my life, I was unavailable for such feelings. I’ve been busy, wrapped up in getting my physical possession world small and orderly so that I could travel. It seemed so ironic to me that I was making myself somewhat unreceptive to certain parts of my life because I was so focused on getting to the point where I could be open to all of it.

The lesson in that was that life will always be on hold if you put it on hold but that life will always be available if you let it be available, regardless of whether or not you think you’re ready. This thing called life is happening every single second and I’m going to miss absolutely all of it if I continue to wait until I think I’m ready for it. The time for living is now!

I left Bellingham, WA almost two weeks ago and headed towards Florence, CO where my son is. I decided to take some time making this trip to see friends and family along the way. It’s been absolutely joyous beyond physical description.

I went into this hoping for a place to park and the ability to exchange hugs and words with lovely people. I came out of it with a fuller heart than I ever imagined! My family is far from perfect but I hold firmly to the belief that I belong to one of the best. Having the absolute pleasure to spend time with them was a blessed gift of vision into part of what has made me who I am today.

I rolled into Florence, CO right about midnight eight days after leaving Washington and my son greeted me with one of the tightest hugs he’s given me in years (he is sixteen and not much of a hugger as of late). If you’re not a parent, I’m not sure you’ll ever understand what it feels like to have your child hug you in such a manner. I lack the words to describe it but will hold that feeling forever.

I’ve been here for a week now and it’s been pretty great. It’s nice to be around Thorin and be in his life. It’s nice to be around his dad, his family, his partner and her children. I was a little concerned about not feeling totally welcome but I haven’t felt that in the slightest. This whole experience has been amazing! I am truly blessed to be a part of it.

I am a part of it because I let myself be a part of it. I could wander though, talk, laugh, hug and take it all with me and leave it at that but I’m not. I’m leaving a part of me everywhere I go because I’m allowing myself to be a part of these people’s lives in the best way that I can, by giving them my time and attention.

My only agenda currently, is to travel, spend time with the people I love, make new friends and share my gifts. When I don’t have any motives, I get to just be, right here, right now. I get to listen to people share a piece of themselves with me.

When I don’t have a plan other than offering my time, my love and my gifts, life is pretty damn good! People respond differently when they know you’re actually listening. They actually talk, they open up. When they can tell that you’re not just waiting for your turn to talk, something lovely happens. You get to be a part of giving someone one of the best gifts they could ever receive, their true selves. And when your true self peeks out, I get to learn a little more about who I really am.

Don’t ask me to explain in detail how or why this works, I just know that it does. And it is probably one of the most lovely of human interactions.

It is an amazing privilege when someone lets you into their heart but it can also be a heavy load to bear. They may not speak the words that they hurt, but if you listen, they tell you in other ways.  It hurts because they hurt. Not much hurts worse than watching someone you love hurt when all you can do is watch and listen.

And this is where we come back to my first point. With this offering of my loved one’s shared hearts, I looked to the stars this evening and felt all the joy, pain and love beyond what I ever believed I could endure. The interesting part of this is that, none of it really has anything to do with me, I’m just here, experiencing it, being a part of it, providing a safe space to expose your heart.

Most of my friends and family seem to be doing pretty well. Life is life but all in all, life is good. A few of them however, are dealing with some major, deep seeded, life struggles. The kind of struggles that are years in the making and life altering decisions in the undoing.

And my heart aches for them. It aches for them on unfathomable levels. Yet, I am simultaneously filled with incomprehensible joy. For most of my past I would have rejected this dichotomy of feelings. But I looked to the stars tonight (and there are tons of them out here!) and I cried.

I cried for all the indescribable love that I’m experiencing.

I cried for the hardships that my loved ones are experiencing.

I cried because it’s all just channeling though me and how fantastic is it that I get to be an instrument of love?!

I get to participate in love without any desire to cling on to any of it, without any fear that there wont be enough. There is always enough love as long as I’m a carrier instead of trying to be a recipient.

I don’t exactly understand why that is but I know that it is. And that is enough to keep me going. Always.

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One response to “Adventures In A Dichotomy of Feelings

  1. Pingback: Contemplating What Ifs? | the corvid drifter·

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