It’s About Living, Not Sucking it Up

Today was a day, one of those days. Well actually this week has been a day. Ok, ok, the truth is, this month, has been a day, one of those days, many of those days.

I’m staring a major life change in the face these days. The biggest change in my life since the birth of my son over sixteen years ago. I’ve sold my house, shed most of my worldly possessions, bought a vehicle to live in, quit my job and here I am. It’s taken a few years to get to this point and now I’m less than two weeks away from complete departure from the life I have known.

So back to today (or this month, either or). I’ve been on a bit of an hourly emotional roller coaster, not bi-polar but certainly not as balanced as I normally am. I can be doing pretty well and then one little thing will set me off and then on pours every single thing that I’ve been stressed, overwhelmed or unsure about.

Today my attempt at a car stereo repair made the situation worse. That was all it took and I lost it. I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor in tears when I was supposed to be somewhere. It didn’t matter. I just let myself cry. I didn’t “suck it up” as they say. I stayed in my tears and on the floor for as long as I needed to. It only ended up being a few minutes and that’s all I needed when I allowed myself to be there.

I’ve never liked the phrases “suck it up” or “put on your big girl panties”. In my mind they both imply personal dishonor and that you should just get over it and do it, just because. Because you have to, not because you want to, not because it makes sense but because you should. Because you should be tough and not give yourself time to feel what you’re feeling. Because you should just be ok with things the way they are, you should just deal with it.

Because a strong, capable and loving person should not let themselves cry on the kitchen floor for any reason, you should not be weak, at least not for very long.  Should is a dirty word. The dirtiest in fact because it’s about shame.

A life in shame is not a life.

So I let myself be where I’m at and sometimes that means crying, sometimes that means laughing and playing or going on a bike ride for ice cream cones, sometimes it means feeling lonely and sometimes it means swearing at electrical wires and connectors. And all of that is ok. I don’t have to suck it up or get over any of that.

So I cried on the floor and at some point I remembered that everything was going to be ok, that all of these things would work themselves out. That this is all happening because I have a goal, a passion, that I’m determined to live out my dreams and that this is just one part of that process.

So I persevere. I rise up from the floor, with tears in my eyes. Tears that I own because I know why they are there and because I let them be there, unashamed. Tears that make me stronger because I know and accept myself a little bit more.

I continue on with my day, my month, vulnerable and open. Thinking to myself that pursuing a life of my wildest dreams isn’t about putting on big girl panties or sucking it up because this life isn’t something that I just should do.

This life is about living. About being engaged, real, messy, fulfilling and fun. Not getting over it and just doing it.

At least it’s not about that for me. The moment I stop sucking it up and doing what I think I should be doing and instead, choose to honor myself and what I want to be doing, I begin to actually live.

I don’t have anything to suck up, get over or hide under my big girl undies because I’m walking through it and I’m not too ashamed for you to know that.

So I’ll go into public with tears in my eyes and cellulite on my thighs and keep on living it, way beyond what I ever could imagine.

And not for one second would I trade this volatile roller coaster for the life I had before. Not for one second.

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