I just want to cry. Well, I have actually, quite a bit. Life is a journey of ups and downs, backwards, forwards, sideways, slantways, squareways and any other dimensional and non dimensional directions. Sometimes I feel like I’ve double backed on the same old shit and wonder why I haven’t gotten over it or figured it out yet. But that just doesn’t seem to be the way it works.
Can I be done excusing my journey yet again? Please?!
I’m. Fucking. Terrified.
The weird thing is that I’m not really sure why. I could say that I was afraid of the unknown, abandonment, death, whatever, the biggies. Or the littles: well, I’m not sure what they are because they all have biggies hidden behind them.
Either way, I don’t really know what I’m afraid of. I’m not afraid that you’ll think I’m crazy. I don’t need you to understand exactly what I’m doing or why, hell, I don’t even know so I can’t very well hold that against you. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I’m not afraid of not having enough. I’m not afraid of getting or being lost. I’m not afraid of fucking up.
I’m not afraid because I know that no matter what, I will be taken care of. I know that the universe will provide me with exactly what I need, in abundance, when I need it, as long as I ask for it. I know that I will never be entirely alone because I enjoy my own company. I know that I have something to offer. I know that I am good enough. I know that I am capable.
Yet, I’m terrified. Terrified but still ready to get on with it. Terrified but not petrified. Terrified yet overcome with enthusiasm for life.
Terrified but unstoppable.
Maybe that’s whats so scary. We all have a force within us that we know, deep within, is a force of greatness, love, life, passion, creative brilliance. (Stop kidding yourself, its there!)
But this force can be overwhelming. So overwhelming that we become frozen. We often don’t know how to use this force. Afraid that this greatness within could actually be just that, great. Greater than we know what to do with, greater than we believe that we can handle.
What happens when you live as your own personal greatness? You expose your greatest vulnerability. The thing that makes you, you. The thing that is inside you, buried deep, that screams to get out, that screams to be exposed, that screams to be shared. When you muster up enough gumption to let this screaming baby out, the most tender, sacred, creative and sensitive piece of you, it’s out there, that’s it. And you know that when it’s finally out, there is no more protecting it. There is no more hiding it. There is no more kidding yourself about how important it actually is. It’s out there, it’s done and everyone can see it, naked, raw, bold, alone, strong, bright, welcoming and authentically and unmistakably, you.
I don’t care who you are, that’s scary!
Once you’re exposed, you cannot go back. You know that the moment this actually happens, you’re committed. Committed to seeing it though, committed to spreading it around. And if you do go back, you know the misery that awaits, the prison, the hell.
So maybe it’s just easier to not ever let it out in the first place. Like going on the most amazing vacation ever and the day before the last day is always the worst. The most bittersweet. You’ve been in heaven, you finally have relaxed and feel alive and happy again. You’re finally able to be in the moment and experience it instead of anticipating it. But now, the end is in sight, it’s almost here, surrounding you like the thickest black cloud that ever existed.
This is what happens when you let your personal greatness shine, then stuff it away again. The perpetual mental space of the last day of vacation. You know it’s all there and it’s been amazing but it’s all about to come crashing down. Back to the daily, mind numbing, stressful grind that we are so good at fooling ourselves into finding purpose in so we don’t get personal greatness blue balls.
Maybe I’m scared of even the slight possibility of having to go back. Terrified of suppressing my brilliance, forcing it back into the cubical, the mortgage, the bottle or..(pick a distraction, I have many).
At the same time, I know that I’m ready to just do it. I also know that I will never go back. But never going back also means never knowing what’s in store. Simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating.
Never going back means a constant state of creativity and vulnerability.
But without a shadow of a doubt, I know that this immense beast of myself inside of me will kill me if I don’t let it out.