This is crazy and I don’t know what I’m doing

This is crazy.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t have enough money.

I’m doing this alone.

I don’t know where I will sleep.

I wont be able to make friends on the road.

My vehicle might break down in the middle of nowhere.

Who do I think I am?

What am I doing?

What do I want?

Why am I really doing this?

I’m really doing this.

I’m really quitting my job.

I’m leaving all of the “comforts” that I have known for years.

This is crazy!

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t know where I’m going.

But what is my alternative?

Really?

Stay. Here. Doing the same thing in a different way. Stuck and betraying myself.

But my friends and family are here.

I like it here.

I could change my life here and stay.

*tears and severe anxiety*

No.

This is scary.

All things worthy of doing are at least a little scary.

Whats the alternative?

Not go.

*tears*

Not once did I ever consider the possibility of getting lost. “What if I get lost?” just doesn’t seem applicable in a life of travel and general wandering. What exactly does lost mean anyway? I will always be right where I’m at, and in a life of adventure, that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be. I’ve been lost many times in my life, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. But when I’m on the path that I know I’m supposed to be on, I can never really be lost.

I am lost when I’m trying to do what I think I should be doing. I am lost when I don’t question my reality and my beliefs. I am lost when I think life should be going differently than it is. I am lost when I think that I have this all figured out.

I am only truly lost when I think I know exactly whats going on at any given point in time, regarding any situation.

So, if I remember that I will never have it all figured out, and that I never really know whats going on, I’ll never be lost. Right?

I guess its ok to have some things figured out. But really only just enough. Just enough to know that there is more to learn and experience than I can even fathom. Just enough to know that there are at least as many realities out there as there are people. Thats a whole lot more than I’ll ever have the chance to experience and understand. So I’ll just stick with the reality that I’m in, my own.

Mount Winchester

I was at the look out cabin on Winchester Mountain about sixteen months ago taking in this scene when I really knew that I had to go. That I had to go no matter what. That I wasn’t running away from life. That I would be running with it. That the world was waiting for…Carrie. That the world outside of the one that I’ve known needs Carrie. That a whole lot of world that I never really needed to see, needed to see me. And that I had no idea why, but that was ok.

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One response to “This is crazy and I don’t know what I’m doing

  1. Pingback: Contemplating What Ifs? | the corvid drifter·

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