adventures in loneliness and considering new friends

     This week I am missing people. No one specifically (no offense), just people in general. I like people. I like interacting with them. I like the adventure of meeting them, getting to know them, connecting, laughing with them, seeing what makes them tick and really just being around people.
   I am around other people everyday. But most days, not that many. Some days, other than the people at the checkout stand, it’s only one or two other people that I get to connect with.

   Just over a year ago I moved into my very own place, without roommates, for the first time in my life ever. Okay, my son is my roommate but it is really a different situation with children. Plus he’s only been here for the last five months. I’m talking adults. Or at least people my age-ish.

   My entire life I have lived with other people and I had wanted to live alone for a long time. I had this fantasy about it. About doing whatever I wanted, in my own time, in my own house, naked, baking and blasting dance music at 3am…or whatever.

   But the fantasy was not about living alone as much as it was about not having anyone else to answer to. I have been somewhat (that’s an understatement) of a co-dependent for most of my life. And when you’re a co-dependent everything you do is dictated by your perceived ideas of what other people think you should or shouldn’t be doing. It is a cage, a self-imposed, ego-driven confinement, fueled by low self-esteem. So the idea of living alone meant I didn’t have to worry about what anyone else thought of my music, food, decorating, pajamas or anything else…I would be free!

   Turns out it’s not really like that. I mean, I guess in a way it is but it’s not the freedom that I had anticipated. It certainly has its benefits. But the truth is, I really miss having people around. I miss smelling other people cooking, even if I don’t get to eat it. I miss there being someone home when I get off work that I can sit and b.s. with for half an hour. I miss the noise in the house when I’m trying to sleep (because it actually helps me fall asleep). I miss the random ridiculousness and the true heart of people that you don’t get to experience unless you live with them.

   I’m coming to the understanding that I value roommates and all that goes with them more than I value the freedom to walk around naked (which some roommates do anyway).

   Maybe I just need to make more friends and have them come over. I’ve never really been awesome at making friends. Don’t get me wrong…I am a great friend and I have some amazing people in my life that I am very close with. But most of them live far away or have families with busy lives.

  When this woman in my yoga class, who was new in town, started talking to me consistently, I wondered why she was talking to me? She didn’t know me or my friends. I didn’t understand.  “Oh this is what people do…this is how they make friends. They meet people while doing things that they like and make friends with them….weird.”

   Maybe I make friends in an awkward/backwards sort of way. I’ve always just been the type to meet friends of friends. I’m with my friends enough, I meet some of theirs and vice versa then boom, I have new friends. Same thing with guys. I’ve never really been one to date. “Lets meet at said location at such and such time, eat food and talk.” What?! Can’t we all just hang out? Single me out in a room and I tend to be kind of awkward (I am getting better at this one though)!

   It also seems that most times I really start to get pretty close and connect with someone, they go away for whatever reason. Always on good terms but that’s just the way life is sometimes. Everyone has their own adventures and paths to follow. This does not stop me from trying though. My life is always enriched by these passing spirit connections.

  So what’s next for me? If all goes well, I will be moving back into a roommate situation at the end of the summer. In the mean time I need to meet new people, make some connections and get out of the house more, which is hard to do as a single mom. Perhaps nourish some of the relationships I already have a little more. This loneliness thing is really starting to get to me.

   I used to think that I didn’t need people and that I was much better off without them. People can disappoint and cause pain. Although these things are true, not having people in my life is much worse. It robs me of the adventure of absolute joy, love, support and companionship I get when I open myself to others. And as long as I don’t watch any reality television, I generally think that all people are totally awesome!
Until we meet again!

Thanks for reading 🙂 and feel free to comment. Can you relate to this? Tell us why!

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