These last few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster type adventure for me. School is finally over and I’m not going back, then I was preparing for the holidays while getting back into my old work routine, starting to maybe be officially “seeing” someone, continued working on my video interview project and starting off in a different direction for my career path with a project (hopefully) appropriately titled “the Job Escape Kit”. Just typing all of this and rereading it makes me feel a little overwhelmed. That is a lot.
This is all wonderful, awesome, exciting stuff (except the old work routine) and you know what? I don’t want to do any of it! Not a damn thing. It’s all too much, it’s overwhelming, its scary and most of it is unknown territory for me. The thing is, I don’t want to hide out in my pajamas either. I just don’t seem to have the mental and emotional capacity for amazing life stuff right now.
I don’t know if it’s the lack of Vitamin D we experience here in the Pacific Northwest, a post-holiday let down, the unsettling fear of unknown-ness in my life or a combination of all of the above. One could call this depression I don’t have a problem with admitting to myself that I may be a little depressed right now. I’m not going to get a drug prescription and I have no desire to off myself. I’m just not my normal, optimistic self right now. I haven’t stopped my life just because I’m depressed. I just don’t want to do any of it!!
Okay, that’s not true. I actually want to do ALL of it…every single bit of the amazing and adventurous unknown-ness but I’m a bit paralyzed with fear and lack of will. Did I just contradict myself? Probably, because that’s certainly how I’ve been feeling…contradictory and very unlike me.
I am tired, down, unenthusiastic, unmotivated, overwhelmed, scared. I want to do anything other than deal with, walk through and feel what I am going through right now. I want to shop, eat, fuck, drink, lose hours in social networks, what else? Anything! Anything but what I am going through.
Now normally I feel this way when I’m going through something difficult and unknown but I still have a strong desire to keep on keepin’ on. Right now I don’t have that and that I attribute to the depression. But the real cause of this all, the biggie, is fear.
I. Am. Scared.
I am scared of success. Success in my life, career, love, health. Don’t get me wrong, even though I fear success in these areas, I still work very hard to achieve my goals. The days of severe self-sabotage are over. I still get in my own way but usually stop long before any major drama.
The thing is, I know how to do failure. I excel in what to do when I fail, I get back up…duh. But what do I do if I don’t fall? What do I do if I get to stand tall? If I get the love I want? If I get to live the life I’ve dreamed of, that my spirit screams for, for so long? What do I do?
In all honesty I can say, that at this point, I’m not really sure why this is so scary right now. Why pursuing a different path for a new career is so scary. School wasn’t nearly this scary and I hated it! Or why pursuing a new possible romantic relationship is so difficult (I’ve done it before and survived), but it is. Maybe it’s the way these paths have transpired this time. Different than they ever have before and different than I ever would have anticipated or even thought possible….seriously. Maybe it’s the depression. Maybe it’s all of the above. The point is, I don’t really know but I don’t need to know. What is important is that I honor the fact that I am scared and that I honor that this is different. When I honor what I am going though, it makes it easier to get through. When I let myself just be where I am at, instead of fighting it, it tends to just flow. I don’t have to create a dam.
Its amazing how difficult we can make things for ourselves. Discovering how we do this and then not doing it, is certainly an adventure. And this one has made me quite tired…or maybe that’s the depression talking. Either way, I still don’t have the choice to quit.
I can easier live with myself if I fail but not if I quit.
Over and out until next time my adventure friends.
Thanks for reading!
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! We need it, especially in the winter. It’s amazing what a few more hours than I normally need will do when I feel down. I wake up feeling like me again. So sleep my friends! If you don’t know what sleep is or how beneficial it is to your health and well-being, google search it. Then take a nap!