It’s been an interesting week involving the emotional adventures in Carrie’s head. (There will likely be some swearing in this episode). It started out hanging out with a guy friend of mine, a performance in Seattle with my band, continued with work on my current project, the second to last week of school and the onset of a bacterial infection. I got increasingly more tired throughout the week and by Thursday I was forced to spend about 36 consecutive hours, horizontally.
Fighting an infection causes my brain to not fire logically at my normal capacity thus bringing my ability to handle my emotions with said logic down to about 20 percent. Do you see where I’m going with this? I’ve spent some time this week crying, talking with those closest to me and facing some of my demons. Thankfully I’m not pms-ing because who knows what sort of unruly bitch-beast would have been released!
With my fluctuating hormones on my side this week I got to explore into the realm of “liking” someone. YES, I said it…I LIKE SOMEBODY! That’s right I, Carrie, like A BOY. An intelligent, awkward, sexy, dirty, independent social butterfly who is a mad cook with a generous heart. Sounds terrible right? You said it! Gods forbid I enjoy a man’s company enough to want to enjoy it a little bit more. I seriously have a problem with this, a big one. I don’t want to like a boy. I hate liking boys. The last time I let myself get really excited about a boy he ended up beating the crap out of me on a regular basis for two years. So naturally, I’m a little hesitant.
Don’t worry, this post isn’t about that sort of thing. Plus, I love myself today and I would never let anyone treat me like that ever again. That all being said, I’m still a scared little girl when it comes to liking someone. I will not allow myself to get excited about it. And that, my friends, is the most torturous part about the whole thing. I want to be excited (at least a little) but the mere thought of it literally terrifies me. I mentioned crying earlier…ya. This shit brings me to tears.
My insides are all torn up about this. I want to dream about the adventures we could have together, what it would be like to travel with him, playing music, practicing yoga in remote and beautiful locations, cooking together and creating bizarre and delicious ferments, bike tours, hikes, shooting, meeting strangers, the list goes on and on. But I stop myself dead in my tracks. I stop before we’ve even held hands. I can’t bring myself to do it. This may sound extreme but it feels like I will fucking die if I let myself dream.
*sigh* I don’t even want to get to the point where I even begin to like someone because that is where I start to die. So I try to fool myself into believing that I’m not really feeling what I’m feeling. This is where my lack of ability for logical thinking this week, came in handy because I could no longer reason myself out of my emotions. *Bing* Break-through time!
Finally I allowed myself be okay with the fact that I like this dude. And now that I’ve had some time to work through my fears and calm down a bit, I want to profess my like for him right. this. minute. This is a big deal for me and I feel a sense of urgency. I need to know NOW if he likes me the same or I’m left not knowing if it is safe to continue liking him. So of course, as some sort of cosmic joke, certain circumstances have lead to there being no way of contacting him for several days unless I run into him somewhere. This leaves me sitting on my hands…waiting. Effing waiting! I can’t wait for this! Limbo. Freaking limbo! (I’m trying to keep it clean see).
So what happens next? I get to be. I get to be still. It’s actually a really good thing that I haven’t been able to contact him this week or I likely would have done and/or said something really stupid. This way I get to really understand and own how I feel and not put it onto him. I get to see how all of these fears have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. So when I do get to see him again, I can be confident and at peace with my own shit. I can continue the relationship, however it unfolds, with love and kindness instead of fear and expectations. (big ol’ sigh of relief here!)
The emotional roller coaster is exhausting! I’m glad that I don’t ride it that often. Although it is a rough ride, it always results in some kind of personal break through and that is an awesome adventure, especially when it’s finally through!
I get back to the place of peace and personal acceptance with a new understanding of what makes me, me. And I love me!
Over and out until next week friends!
Please feel free to comment below on your own experience, how crazy you think I am or any other adventures you want to share!
This week I encourage you to reach out to someone close if you are having a rough go about things. It is absolutely the most important thing for me to have several people that I can talk to about what I am going through. My friends are able to see my fears from an outside and unaffected perspective. They can see things that I can’t or wont. They point them out to me lovingly and sometimes with a bop on the forehead…whatever makes me get it! (my friend actually did this to me this week). Without their loving support I can honestly say that I have no idea where I would be. They remind me that I am not alone in this world inside and outside of my head! So adventure beyond your fears and express them to a safe loved one.